Tuesday, June 30, 2009

How to Compensate for Having a Small...

It had to happen sooner or later – some girl had to use the tired old “small penis” argument to attack Stockholm: An Exploration of True Love.

The way this argument is supposed to work is this: A girl finds some male behavior objectionable (the behavior is invariably awesome). She then suggests that the reason that the male is doing that behavior in the first place is because he is somehow compensating for having a small penis. For example: “Fred just bought a new Ferrari. He must be compensating for having a small penis.”

Unless Fred had planned to drive his penis around the city, that statement makes no sense, but chick-logic follows rules of its own (i.e. none). The idea is that the man will be so intent on proving that he does not have a small penis that he will avoid the behavior that the girl dislikes.

What’s interesting is that there are actually ways to compensate for having a small penis, but you never hear women complaining about them. Here they are:

1. Perform cunnilingus. As anyone who has read Pornographic Dreams and Polygamist Awakenings knows, I personally consider snatch-licking to be women’s work, but it is, technically, a way to compensate for having a small penis.

2. Use a sex toy or vibrator.

3. Fisting.

There is a flip side to the small penis line. It's the “I’m impressed by” line, which always describes some ridiculously domesticated/castrated action. “I’m really impressed by the way he is still in love with his wife, and dotes on her, even though she gained 400 pounds.” “I’m really impressed by the way he adopted his wife’s religion.” “I’m really impressed by just how much time he spends working with his church’s choir.”

So when a girl says that “only a man with a small penis would ______,” it’s probably best to go ahead and do that thing. But if she’s impressed by something, you might want to avoid doing it.

4 comments:

tp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"The idea is that the man will be so intent on proving that he does not have a small penis that he will avoid the behavior that the girl dislikes. What’s interesting is that there are actually ways to compensate for having a small penis, but you never hear women complaining about them. Here they are: 1. Perform oral sex. As anyone who has read Pornographic Dreams and Polygamist Awakenings knows, I personally consider oral sex to be women’s work, but it is, technically, a way to compensate for having a small penis.2. Use a sex toy or vibrator.3. Fisting."

Wow, I didn't know there were actually proven ways to compensate for a small member. Interesting. And here I am, thinking all of this is just foreplay to the real deal. In that case, do men ask for fellatio because they feel they are missing something when the woman they are with doesn't have a penis? Because, the man I'm currently dating constantly seems to need oral stimulation to become aroused...does that make him like penises? He has money,a hot body, and drives a stupid stick shift. He claims to be a man's man...hmm...he's gay. All makes sense now. Thanks for enlightening me, Mr. Audemars!

Anonymous said...

Sayz teh man who drives a convertible.

Peas to consider doing "women's work" for those girlies who sleep while you do "man's" work.

Anonymous said...

Wow... Reading this entry, I came to an amazing realization: You must have a really, really, really small penis.

Sorry, dude.